Oscar Dresses

What additions do you think i should make to make this chapter longer, more interesting, and hold suspense? :)?

The car moved fast down the highway. I could’ve puked, but I didn’t. My sister, Sally was only paying attention to her phone. She texted all day! My brother, Andrew was only paying attention to his Nintendo DS. Wind rushed through the car as mom rolled the windows down. It was blowing straight in my face, though I didn’t care. “Rosalie, careful. This is nowhere like the farm.” said mom as I climbed out of the side door. She was right. This was nothing like the farm I grew up on. At least we’d have a bunch of room for the farm animals coming along with us. Especially in the back where we were putting them. The dilapidated mansion towered over us as we all walked up to the mansion. The real-estate seller stood next to a row of blueberry bushes. “Hi.” said mom in her comforting voice. “Oh, you have children.” said the seller trying to look delighted. “Yes. This is my son, Andrew and our two daughters, Sally and Rosalie.” replied dad. “I’m Jayne Donald.” said the seller holding out a hand. Mom took it, shook, and let loose. “First of all, I’d like you to know that the back of the house is very roomy for your farm animals. Also these blueberries out front of eatable. Lets go inside. One of my assistants have already given you a tour of the place so lets go in and talk over the paperwork.” “Alright. Come on darling.” said dad taking mom by the hand and walking into the huge mansion with Jayne. Sal, Andy, and I stepped into the large mansion away from the cold winds. It may’ve been summer, but the winds always gave me the chills. “Nice place.” Sal muttered. Sal and Andy were twins. Both were eighteen. They both had dirty blond hair, blue eyes, and were really quiet. They almost did nothing fun. I ran up the middle staircase. This was going to be great! Maybe we weren’t on the farm, but we were surely living in a great house that could hold a farm inside it! Mom and dad had gone into the kitchen with Jayne Donald so they didn’t see me run up the staircase. They wouldn’t care anyways. The hallway seemed so grand. An elegant red carpet trailed down to the very end. I opened the nearest door. Shining tiles. Must’ve been scrubbed thousands of times. It was probably supposed to be the bathroom considering the large bucket full of things you don’t want to know… I closed the door as I walked out of the room. Then, I went to the second nearest door there. It was a really small closet. Could’ve been for anything. In the closet was a small screw, a large book, and an old camera from the mid-1800’s. It wasn’t really interesting. I went to the next nearest door. It was a room with a classical bed, lots of books, a dresser, another camera, and a bunch of papers stacked with writing on it. Did no one clean this place? It wasn’t used for years! Still, I sat down on the old, dusty, dilapidated bed. It creaked but then just stood there silently. I looked down at the papers and shuffled through them. It wasn’t the usual white. It was an old yellow, fragile paper. It kind of felt like sandpaper. Here’s what the first paper said: April 4, 1821 Today is an odd day. Father took off in the streets and died. The Spanish Civil War is going on right now, and I’m very scared. ‘tis these days that make us depressed. Mother took Juliet and Addison to the market. “Gwendolyn you stay here in your room, safe and sound.” she said thus. Amelia, my friend, didn’t like this. Her father had just died in the war. Poor thing. I feel bad for her. Today is just a depressing day…I sigh at the moment. Gwen, 12 I put down the note and took the one from the bottom: May 8, 1821 A murderer is in the house! I cannot talk long. He’ll find me soon. He’s gotten mother, father, Addison, and Juliet. I need to hide! Gwen, 12 I sighed. A girl my age had died here from a murderer. I can’t believe it! Now this was interesting. “Rosie!” called my mother. “Time to go!” I put the notes in order and hid them in a drawer full of gowns. Then, I ran out of the room closing the door behind, and down the staircase. “Huh? I thought we were buying the place.” “No. Your father doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like the antique ways.” “I refuse to leave! I love this place already.” I complained. “Honey, you’ve been here for a few minutes.” “Lets go!” shouted dad in a forcibly way. “No. Buy the house, and you can live somewhere else. This house is important to me!” “I’ll talk him into buying the house.” sighed mom going to the car window and talking to dad. Andy and Sal exited the van as dad sighed and nodded. “Go ahead and pick out your rooms.” huffed dad. Sal and Andy always shared a room. They liked it better that way. I quickly ran up the staircase faster then them so I could get the room I was just in. I went back into Gwen’s old room and hollered. “I call this room!!” I heard Sal and Andy walk past my new room as mom and dad walked up the staircase. Mom came into my new room. “This place is actually “I’ll talk him into buying the house.” sighed mom going to the car window and talking to dad. Andy and Sal exited the van as dad sighed and nodded. “Go ahead and pick out your rooms.” huffed dad. Sal a room. They liked it better that way. I quickly ran up the staircase faster then them so I could get the room I was just in. I went back into Gwen’s old room and hollered. “I call this room!!” I heard Sal and Andy walk past my new room as mom and dad walked up the staircase. Mom came into my new room. “This place is actually nice. Your father thinks so, too.” “Yeah, I know.” Dad came in, too and hugged me. “Good job. This is a nice house.” “Thanks, dad.” I said proudly. “We paid Jayne, and she left.” replied mom. “Mom, do you think ghosts live here?” I asked randomly. What if the little girl never left

Public Comments

1. Hmmm.......... How about....When they go to school.. Rosalie's teacher is the murderer!
2. Mom and Dad should all be capitalized.
3. 1) I just don't think that the dad could be persuaded so easily, especially since they barely looked at the house. Maybe the girl could just grab the notes and take them home? 2) Why would so much stuff be left in the house out in the open? It should be cleaned up Aside from that and some words you could change, it's fine. The mom should say, "This room is actually quite nice! Look at the view from your window!" or something like that, she seems like a happy mom.
4. describing is HUGE. And every reader wants to picture as if its happening with their eyes. I suggest try writing the main character's thoughts. Thoughts make all the difference. Example: Now: I walked down the street. Ending Result: I glanced at the white picket fence aligning down continuously to my right. A man stared at me from across the street. Which acted suspicious and disrupted by my passing by, as I headed down the street. Hope i helped:]